A little Saturday humor!

[NickStone]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[NickStone]

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

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"Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

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What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

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Why did the computer get cold?
Because it forgot to close windows.

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I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

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If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

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I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

[GreyGeek]

Nick, you are on a roll!

[bsniadajewski]

If you snapped a picture of a bookcase, then would you say you took a shelfie?

[SteveRiley]

If you snapped a picture of a bookcase, then would you say you took a shelfie?

Groan!

[NickStone]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


Doctor's Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.


On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.


In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.


Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[NickStone]

Smart money saving scheme

I've decided to disconnect my home alarm system, and un-register from
the Neighborhood Watch Program.

As of yesterday I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one
at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS hanging from my garage door.

The Police, MI5, MI6, FBI, CIA, NASA, and US Secret
Service are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving £54.95 a month.

I cannot believe I did not think of this before!

[GreyGeek]

Two extremely funny posts, Nike!

[NickStone]

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

VELCRO - WHAT A RIP OFF !

[NickStone]

For those of my generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore every day, I walk down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do afterwards and I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in the pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works : I already have 3 persons following me : Two police officers and a psychiatrist!!!!

[NickStone]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

[NickStone]

My grandmother started walking five kilometers when she was 60 and now she's 97, and we don't have a clue where she is!

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I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say 'you'll be next !' They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals !

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A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
Dr i can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still i can't take it any more.
Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.
Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!
Oh very well , now about your hearing...

[elijathegold]

The best bit of advice I have ever been given: Under no circumstances take a sleeping pill and laxative on the same night.

[bsniadajewski]

I don't know about you, but when I hear of someone having cereal for breakfast it just sounds flaky.

[Qqmike]

Bud the Montana Cowboy and the young, slick man

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The young man parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right..Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep."
"Now give me back my dog."

--> AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS