A little Saturday humor!

[GreyGeek]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.


4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.


5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what 's your plan?


10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[Qqmike]

Good ones. I sent them on by email to some friends. I've run short of material lately. This helps keep up the email bs!

[GreyGeek]

Now we can all sing and dance about it. Crying is counter productive.

If if you are on psychotropic drugs I hope you have no access to firearms. You are one scary dude.

[InsideJob]

If if you are on psychotropic drugs I hope you have no access to firearms. You are one scary dude.

I don't drink drugs. Beers don't grow on trees, you know.

I've got bazookas and tanks and the authority to use them without consequence though, so you can feel safe and secure from the boogeyman.

[DoYouKubuntu]

Nice list, GG. I wish I had something clever to add to it but, alas, I don't...

[GreyGeek]

...
I've got bazookas and tanks and the authority to use them without consequence though, so you can feel safe and secure from the boogeyman.

Ya, right, sure you do, and you have "all the authority" too. Without consequences? Next you'll tell me you're a member of Seal Team 6. And I keep Bigfoot as a pet. As Title 2 devices you filled out a Form 4 and paid the $200 tax for each device?

[DoYouKubuntu]

Might I suggest that we keep this thread on its topic, humor? Thanks.

[tomcloyd]

Might I suggest that we keep this thread on its topic, humor? Thanks.

I don't think you understand. There's nothing funnier than a gun nut in full flower...unless it's someone impersonating a gun nut in full flower. This IS spring you know. Time for flowers of all kinds.

[tomcloyd]

I would ask from whence you got that authority, but I don't want to risk founding a new religion.

[tomcloyd]

Yes! Great list...and here's another:

COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE**


* Don't squat with your spurs on.

* Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

* Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

* Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

* When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

* Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

* Never miss a good chance to shut up.


** Cowboy unknown

[Feathers McGraw]

I would ask from whence you got that authority, but I don't want to risk founding a new religion.

hehe, that made me chuckle

[MoonRise]

Good ones, especially #10. Actually is true!

[bsniadajewski]

Has anyone met Tom Foolery? I hear he's got quite the reputation. But first I'm going to call Shenanigans, but I haven't his number.

[DoYouKubuntu]

I don't think you understand. There's nothing funnier than a gun nut in full flower...unless it's someone impersonating a gun nut in full flower. This IS spring you know. Time for flowers of all kinds.

Yes, indeed! I was just outside puttering around in my garden--and it's looking FABULOUS! Its flowers are blooming like crazy.

[NickStone]

The following is allegedly an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.