So I have hinted to it several times.... and I'm quite losing my mind here. I am locked up in some psychiatric institution that doesn't provide any form of therapy but just promises society to keep it safe by locking away individuals that have been deemed "inappropriate". Most of what I've said to have done is to be "inappropriate" in one way or another. Being inappropriate (or outright "dangerous") is the best way to get locked up here.
And danger doesn't have to be measured by the justice department or anything, they just require you to be dangerous according to psychiatry itself. That's how it is, and that's enough for them. So now really my doctor is almost the sole arbiter that says whether I am safe enough to go home again. The whole idea of being "safe enough for life" is outright ridiculous. I am one of the safest people around. One of the least aggressive, least dangerous people ever to have lived. My mother is like me and I am like my mother, never getting angry, all that sort of stuff. But now I am a danger because they pushed me across the edge with their messings and their debilitations and their repercussions and their targetting of my person. And in the end I did cross the line, only meagerly, and NOW I AM TO SUFFER for what they have done to me. I guess that is how I can summarize it.
They pushed me across some precipice and I fell into a dream where I was a danger to people, and some people apparently or obviously got "threatened" by that and that was enough to put me away, almost indefinitely. No recourse for a common law, no recourse for a common defense. No one who is backing you, your father and your family taking their hands off you because they are too lazy, too lame, too weak, too fearful, to be any kind of assistence in a fight against the common criminals of the common society that do these kinds of things.
I am barely able to write here. I just keep my eyes closed so as not to be so distracted and just type, with my 10 fingers. And the only reason I am able to write anything out in the open of the internet, is that I just installed Kubuntu when they were not looking (yesterday) and no one really knows anything about it, the computers are so dysfunctional with their protective software on it (some Kiosk Mode thing, called Bulldog or Watchdog or whatever. Site Kiosk it is called.) that you cannot even use them normally, because they close off, they lock up, and you have to reboot them (turn them off, they are just regular office computers but they have this crapware on it) and get them started again and hope to be able to use it for 1 minute before it closes off and locks up again.
It is horrendous from the perspective of someone who really eagerly wants to use that computer. I don't know, I guess life is a challenge of not calling things horrible anymore. You can say something is horrible, but where is the relativity in that? There are more horrible things, and less horrible things. If you compare this what we have, to what might be, to the things we may not even be having, then what we have is outstanding. You can compare to whatever you want. You are free to choose and this determines your experience. But because I have only witnessed /BETTER/ things in my life thus far, everything that I visit now, or that is visited upon me now, is actually quite the horrific thing thus far.
That is my tale thus far. I'm quite losing my mind. They say the truth will eventually set people free, that the truth must one day surface or be revealed, or reveal itself. That people will see what is so because you are there and you uphold the truth and the knowing of the truth such that your presence must one day become so bright that all will see what you see, no matter if you try or don't try, your vision is so strong that others will be affected and all will know. I guess, that could be possible.
The likelihood however is that without real action from my part nothing will ever happen or change, and I am ever and every day witnessed to and confronted by the need to ACT and act STRONGLY but I am so afraid of the repercussions. They can throw you in an isolation cell. If you misbehave. It is a form of torture, at least when you are not up for it. It is hard to get it when you want it, it is hard to avoid it when you don't want it. People usually only give you things when you don't want them, and if you do want them, they are rejected to you. They'll be denied, or refused, because they spend so much time denying you or refusing you. Much of this institution is about becoming unhumans, about becoming non-spontaneous, always inhibited, always decent, never outraged or angry, always good and obedient and "NICE". And if you act completely the way they want (They are a behavioural institution, not a health institution) you may be allowed to go home, if there is any home left by then. Because by then you have accepted their presidency over your life and your being, and in order to escape, you must sell your soul, you must give up your right of self-determination. And if you misbehave just once, they can put you in again. That's how it is.
(I will post this now so I can try to obtain a phone here). (Just trying to call my mother. Yes, people on the internet also have mothers
).
(So I acquired a phone, maybe I can keep it around for a while because she will forget she gave it to me.)
(You have to use people's weaknesses in order to get something here).
So I installed Kubuntu and I am dead afraid they will find out. I'm now even installing Wine to install Battle.Net, for the Blizzard games, so I can chat with a few people [unfortunately, it crashes]. Most friends have left me or abandoned me.
And danger doesn't have to be measured by the justice department or anything, they just require you to be dangerous according to psychiatry itself. That's how it is, and that's enough for them. So now really my doctor is almost the sole arbiter that says whether I am safe enough to go home again. The whole idea of being "safe enough for life" is outright ridiculous. I am one of the safest people around. One of the least aggressive, least dangerous people ever to have lived. My mother is like me and I am like my mother, never getting angry, all that sort of stuff. But now I am a danger because they pushed me across the edge with their messings and their debilitations and their repercussions and their targetting of my person. And in the end I did cross the line, only meagerly, and NOW I AM TO SUFFER for what they have done to me. I guess that is how I can summarize it.
They pushed me across some precipice and I fell into a dream where I was a danger to people, and some people apparently or obviously got "threatened" by that and that was enough to put me away, almost indefinitely. No recourse for a common law, no recourse for a common defense. No one who is backing you, your father and your family taking their hands off you because they are too lazy, too lame, too weak, too fearful, to be any kind of assistence in a fight against the common criminals of the common society that do these kinds of things.
I am barely able to write here. I just keep my eyes closed so as not to be so distracted and just type, with my 10 fingers. And the only reason I am able to write anything out in the open of the internet, is that I just installed Kubuntu when they were not looking (yesterday) and no one really knows anything about it, the computers are so dysfunctional with their protective software on it (some Kiosk Mode thing, called Bulldog or Watchdog or whatever. Site Kiosk it is called.) that you cannot even use them normally, because they close off, they lock up, and you have to reboot them (turn them off, they are just regular office computers but they have this crapware on it) and get them started again and hope to be able to use it for 1 minute before it closes off and locks up again.
It is horrendous from the perspective of someone who really eagerly wants to use that computer. I don't know, I guess life is a challenge of not calling things horrible anymore. You can say something is horrible, but where is the relativity in that? There are more horrible things, and less horrible things. If you compare this what we have, to what might be, to the things we may not even be having, then what we have is outstanding. You can compare to whatever you want. You are free to choose and this determines your experience. But because I have only witnessed /BETTER/ things in my life thus far, everything that I visit now, or that is visited upon me now, is actually quite the horrific thing thus far.
That is my tale thus far. I'm quite losing my mind. They say the truth will eventually set people free, that the truth must one day surface or be revealed, or reveal itself. That people will see what is so because you are there and you uphold the truth and the knowing of the truth such that your presence must one day become so bright that all will see what you see, no matter if you try or don't try, your vision is so strong that others will be affected and all will know. I guess, that could be possible.
The likelihood however is that without real action from my part nothing will ever happen or change, and I am ever and every day witnessed to and confronted by the need to ACT and act STRONGLY but I am so afraid of the repercussions. They can throw you in an isolation cell. If you misbehave. It is a form of torture, at least when you are not up for it. It is hard to get it when you want it, it is hard to avoid it when you don't want it. People usually only give you things when you don't want them, and if you do want them, they are rejected to you. They'll be denied, or refused, because they spend so much time denying you or refusing you. Much of this institution is about becoming unhumans, about becoming non-spontaneous, always inhibited, always decent, never outraged or angry, always good and obedient and "NICE". And if you act completely the way they want (They are a behavioural institution, not a health institution) you may be allowed to go home, if there is any home left by then. Because by then you have accepted their presidency over your life and your being, and in order to escape, you must sell your soul, you must give up your right of self-determination. And if you misbehave just once, they can put you in again. That's how it is.
(I will post this now so I can try to obtain a phone here). (Just trying to call my mother. Yes, people on the internet also have mothers
).(So I acquired a phone, maybe I can keep it around for a while because she will forget she gave it to me.)
(You have to use people's weaknesses in order to get something here).
So I installed Kubuntu and I am dead afraid they will find out. I'm now even installing Wine to install Battle.Net, for the Blizzard games, so I can chat with a few people [unfortunately, it crashes]. Most friends have left me or abandoned me.
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