My brother

[DoYouKubuntu]

I've been silent for a while because of a family tragedy that has left me shell-shocked. My estranged brother died...by suicide. He was 56. There's much family drama involved in why we were estranged, but the very brief version is that he was a prescription narcotic drug addict, long-standing, and the drugs had fried his brain, turning him into someone/something he wasn't. And it was ugly--ANGRY, volatile, a physical threat. But none of that meant I didn't care about him. And his death, by his own hand, has hit me HARD as such a tragic, unnecessary waste of what was--and could have been again--a great life/person...if not for the $^@#*&! drugs.

[Snowhog]

Very sorry to here about your brother. Think
about the times before the change.

[GreyGeek]

As Snowhog said, DoYouKubuntu.

A person I know very well has battled depression for 50 years. Psychological and Psychiatric therapy did nothing. That person then resorted to herbal treatements like St. John's Wart and other homoeopathic treatments. They did not work either. What did work was 200 mg of SAM-E twice a day, and regular treatments with a 10,000 lumen lamp. But it is still a battle. People affected by depression can resort to chemical obliterates like alcohol to deaden the pain but, unfortunately, they often lead to addiction making the depression worse. One thing I've learned for sure. Those affected by depression didn't choose to be so, or to remain so, any more than they'd wish to catch Ebola.

As I shared with you once before, I learned this personally when I was poisoned by Aspartame (Diet soda) and became so depressed that I contemplated suicide. Once I stopped drinking diet soda the depression, headaches and other symptoms went away and I returned to good health, minus my near photographic memory, with a new understanding of depression.

As Snowhog said, when you think of him dwell on the good times. He never meant the bad ones.

[jlittle]

My condolences DoYouKubuntu.

I lost my younger brother to suicide, only a couple of years ago. He was an alcoholic, and angry. The circumstances were tragic; he was in jail after assaulting his wife and young children in a drunken rage; my sister and I persuaded the police to oppose bail, we feared what he might do. My other sister was estranged from him and with hindsight I think her approach worked better than mine, so I support your stance towards your brother.

[NickStone]

I am sorry to read about your personal tragedy involving your brother. It is hard to lose someone you love but it does get easier over time. Keep thinking of the good times you had with him and try not to dwell on the negative.

Your brother is at peace now.

[DoYouKubuntu]

Thanks, guys. I'm somewhere between highly pissed off and terribly sad right now. I've battled depression myself, basically all my life, including to the point of being suicidal, but am lucky that my depression is now well-controlled by medication. I've done hundreds of hours of therapy over the years, with and without meds, but for the last year or so the meds alone have been doing a bang-up job of controlling it, and I'm extremely grateful for that. My brother was another story...

He was a firefighter/paramedic for the LA City Fire Department. That was a prestigious job at a prestigious institution, and something he wanted his whole life. After a stint in the Air Force he got hired on at LAFD and it was a dream come true. Then he met and married an RN, and they were living what can only be called a charmed life--a BEAUTIFUL hillside house, two kids, great income, etc. And then he had an on-the-job back injury, which required surgery. That was it, that was the beginning of the end. He became hooked on painkillers, and even when his condition had become settled at "mild to moderate pain" [per his medical records], he kept needing more and more narcotics. The LAFD offered him a desk job with no change in pay, rank, seniority, etc., but he turned it down. He chose the drugs.

He was also a gun enthusiast. I don't want to start a flame war over guns, so let's not, okay? Just accept that he was really into guns and as his drug use escalated so did his anger. At an appointment with his doctor at USC he started lashing out at her and her staff, and made threatening statements about his now ex-wife. She had the campus police follow him to his truck--which was FILLED with guns and ammunition. He was arrested for making terroristic threats. Our family, including physicians and nurses, did nothing to bail him out of jail--deliberately, to force him to dry out. He was there for three weeks. It only exacerbated the problem with his anger and volatility. Now EVERYONE was a target. He ended up being sentenced to a year of house arrest, at my mom's house, with an ankle bracelet. He was forbidden from owning or touching guns or other weapons for ten years. He had restraining orders against him from his ex-wife and their two kids.

When his house arrest ended I convinced him to come visit me [I was living in Dallas]. He did. He ended up staying for a year. I saw firsthand how badly the drugs were affecting him. He was CLEARLY mentally ill at this point. I'd casually bring up talking to someone to help him sort out some of the things that were bothering him, and he'd say, "yeah, maybe, I might do that..." but nothing ever actually happened. During this time he went out with a friend and...SHOT GUNS. [The friend did not know about the 10 year thing.]

After I moved back to California things escalated with him. Our mom had to get a restraining order and have him forcibly removed from her property. In the end, he was estranged from everyone in our family. He saw us all as one big conspiracy to...I don't know! Hurt him? Destroy him? Lie about him? I really don't know what he thought, just that we were all guilty as sin. Of course, the truth is that we cared about him and would've helped him, but he didn't want help. He couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge that he had a drug problem. At one point when he heard that I had suggested doing an intervention, it was UGLY! He was livid...absolutely livid. So in the end we were all estranged from him.

[Teunis]

I like to add my condolences.
I've probably been lucky not having witnessed such a final decision from very near, it must be earth shattering.

But as with any loss of a loved one, family member, whatever, cherish the good times, that was the brother you lost, not the sick person of the last years.

[GreyGeek]

Pain killers, drugs, alcohol, pot, etc... They all alter the brain, and once that happens coming back can be difficult to impossible. Control of the depression they cause (or the genetic tendency towards) is a constant struggle. Compassion and forgiveness always works better than judgement. He was a successful, happily married man with wonderful children before the drugs altered his mind. It followed well meaning professional advice and it cost him is life. Like Snowhog said, focus on the good times and forget the bad. For your own peace of mind and mental health.

[woodsmoke]

It may be inpolitic to so say but as Father MulCahey used to say: "A little prayer action here".

woodsmoke