Gender of a computer

[NickStone]

I found this joke on another forum. Hope you like it.

GENDER OF A COMPUTER

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House,' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic ;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[NickStone]

Never under estimate the older generation,
they got their education without the help of
Google or Wikipedia

[NickStone]

A wife texts to her husband: "Windows at home frozen. "

Husband replies: "Pour hot water or spray some de-icer on them."

Wife texts again: "I did that and now the computer won't work at all."

[blobfish]

Too funny!

Along those lines.
http://ryskamp.org/portfolio/multime.../manwoman.html

[NickStone]

PARAPROSDOKIANS: (Winston Churchill loved them!)


I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. <----------- My favorite!

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

[SteveRiley]

assertion: Evil = Money x Time
> Money = Time
> Evil = Money^2
> Money = sqrt(Evil)
> Money^2 = Evil
> Evil = Evil
therefore: Evil is the product of Money and Time.

For many people, the past is another country.

I've been too fsking busy! And vise-versa.

Without data, you're just another person with an opinion.

A doctor wanted to write a prescription. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Crap!" he exclaimed. "Some a'hole has my pen!"

For many people, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree."

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Do not pass by my epitaph, traveler.
But having stopped, listen and learn, then go your way.
There is no boat in Hades, no ferryman Charon,
No caretaker Aiakos, no dog Cerberus.
All we who are dead below
Have become bones and ashes, but nothing else.
I have spoken to you honestly, go on, traveler,
Lest even while dead I seem talkative to you.

Whatever just happened is the only thing that is happening. Just ask any peek-a-boo-ologist.

"Let me recap..." {and put cap on pen}

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Once begin upon this downward path, you never know where you are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he thought little of at the time.

{someone} believe {something} will cause unicorns to fart rainbows across the land.

I find the "Submit" button sexist.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.

It's hard to believe only half the people are dumber than average.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

déjà vu = paradoxical state-dependent associative phenomena

The only thing more dangerous than an idea is a belief.

A common human foible: the tendency to attach importance to the superficial at the expense of the essentials.

All those who believe in telekenesis, raise my hand.

Admitting ambiguity kills the sweet high of self-righteousness.

{something} gone to their head and their own exhaust is starting to smell mighty nice.

Are you so worried about {something} that your sphincter pressure is so high you could make diamonds in your butt?

...shook several turds of astonishment out of his pants leg.

Fair? Sir, we don't have to be fair. We're the phone company.

{someone} has an approval rating worthy of a disease.

What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence.

Many fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time." Many also begin with "If elected, I promise"!

UFOs tell us absolutely nothing about intelligence elsewhere in the universe, but they do prove how rare it is on Earth.

The snake became a troublemaker because he was bitter. After all, God told the creatures to multiply, but the snake was just an adder.

[NickStone]

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hand- kerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.


Remember: Don't make old People mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[NickStone]

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Karachi Airport:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES..
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)
A Laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

[NickStone]

For all of you computer boffins.

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started,
but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for
sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's
Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success..
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having
to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of
Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated
Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.


Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuly!!!

[SteveRiley]

That's hilarious!

However, the voice changes considerably in the paragraph describing the eavesdropping mitigation. Almost as if a security consultant (*ahem*) were hired to conduct an assessment and incorporate a compensating control during the devlopment processs.

[bsniadajewski]

@nick

There are actually two terms for "comuter" in (Castilian) Spanish. There is la computadora (feminine, used in Latin America) and el ordenador (masculine, used in Spain itself). FYI

OTOH , I was LMAO at the joke.

[Snowhog]

Obviously, the posters of this thread have way to much idle time on their hands!

[HalationEffect]

Most nerdy joke I ever heard:

"Werner..." said Mrs Heisenberg "Why can't I find my car keys?".
"Perhaps you know too much about their velocity.", he replied.

/dons rotten-tomato-proof suit...

[Snowhog]

heheh. Oh, if one doesn't get that, well, just not 'geeky' enough.

[SteveRiley]

Obviously, the posters of this thread have way to much idle time on their hands!

Oh, pishaw. Certainly it can't take that long for you to copy-paste your collection of favorite pithy quotes, right?

Or do you, perhaps, know too much about the velocity of your collection?